An exclusive report from the White House Press Corps
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Trouble is brewing across the land of the White House, where political infighting, mysterious disappearances and an alarming number of people standing completely motionless have left citizens wondering whether they've accidentally wandered into the province of Skyrim.
Once a thriving kingdom, the White House now finds itself facing a threat greater than Alduin the World-Eater himself: declining HQ activity.
And unfortunately, no amount of shouting Fus Ro Dah at the recruitment desk appears to be fixing it.
The Civil War of the White House
Much like the Stormcloaks and the Imperial Legion, the White House is home to several powerful factions, each determined to prove themselves the greatest in the realm.
From the mighty Executive Branch to the fearless Secret Service, competition for glory, recognition and the occasional HC box remains fierce.
Reports suggest that members have been spotted defending their branches with the enthusiasm of a Nord defending Skyrim from the Thalmor.
One particularly passionate official was reportedly overheard shouting, "SKYRIM BELONGS TO THE NORDS!" during what was supposed to be a routine recruitment session.
The individual has since been reminded that the White House is, in fact, located in Washington, D.C.
Meanwhile, the front desk remains suspiciously empty.
The Great Hall of the AFK
Visitors entering White House HQ have reported a peculiar phenomenon: entire groups of highly ranked officials standing silently for hours, seemingly frozen in place.
Scholars from the College of Winterhold have reportedly been summoned to investigate whether these individuals are suffering from an ancient paralysis spell.
Initial investigations suggest they may simply be AFK.
One adventurer claimed to have witnessed a VIP member remain motionless for so long that a spider built a web around their throne.
"It's remarkable," the adventurer explained. "Even the guards in Whiterun have more dialogue."
A Quest Too Far
The Office of Public Engagement recently embarked upon an ambitious quest to host the Autumn Awards and Halloween Ball.
Secretary of the Interior serenthia reportedly spent approximately 20 hours learning the ancient art of Wired magic, constructing elaborate contraptions in preparation for the festivities.
Unfortunately, when the day arrived, much of the kingdom appeared to have selected the dialogue option I'll come back later.
Worse still, the magical mechanisms were subsequently removed, forcing the Secretary to begin rebuilding her enchantments from scratch.
Sources close to the department say she was last seen staring at an empty Wired stack, whispering, "I used to be an event organiser like you, then I took a Wired box to the knee."
A New Threat Approaches
Despite the kingdom's troubles, hope remains.
The White House has received approval to construct a temporary arena within HQ, allowing citizens to enjoy traditional games before an ancient decree from the rulers of Habbo comes into force on 5 November.
Adventurers are encouraged to gather, participate and claim what treasures they can before the decree takes effect.
The Office of Public Engagement is also rumoured to be preparing a mysterious labyrinth in partnership with HIA.
Whether this dungeon will contain valuable treasure, deadly traps or simply another broken teleporter remains to be seen.
The Dragonborn Prophecy
An ancient prophecy discovered deep within the White House archives reads:
When the halls fall silent and the leaders cease to move,
When the recruits abandon their posts and the Wired refuses to work,
One hero shall rise to restore the kingdom.
Unfortunately, the identity of this hero remains unknown.
The last person claiming to be Dragonborn was asked to complete their weekly activity requirements before being considered for promotion.
They have not been seen since.
For now, the people of the White House can only hope that their kingdom will rise once more.
And should you encounter a lone adventurer wandering through HQ, remember the traditional greeting of the realm:
"Let me guess. Someone stole your HC box."
User serenthia, reporting live from Solitude, the capital of Skyrim, where politics are almost as dangerous as dragons.
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