Department of Arcane Safety Announcement
Following a recent and entirely avoidable workplace incident involving the Secretary of the Interior, the Administration has announced the immediate rollout of a new workplace safety initiative aimed at reducing curse related injuries among staff. The announcement comes after Secretary of the Interior Kas reportedly interacted with an unidentified magical artifact and was subsequently transformed into a cat.
Witnesses described the event as "concerning," "unexpected," and "honestly kind of adorable."
While officials have confirmed that the Secretary has since made a full recovery, investigators were alarmed to discover that no formal curse safety guidelines currently exist. According to internal reviews, employees have received training on fire safety, emergency evacuations, and proper workplace conduct, but not a single course covering enchanted objects, cursed relics, haunted trinkets, suspicious potions, or mysterious glowing items labeled "DO NOT TOUCH."
"This is a serious oversight," the Secretary of Defense, Redgi said. "The average employee should be able to identify basic warning signs of a hex, such as green smoke, demonic whispering, sudden frog infestations, or the uncontrollable urge to speak exclusively in meows."
To address the issue, all employees will now be required to complete the newly developed Curse Safety Certification Program (CSCP), a comprehensive training course designed to ensure staff remain protected from magical hazards.
The course covers several key topics, including:
- How to identify cursed objects.
- Why touching obviously cursed objects is discouraged.
- The difference between a magical blessing and a magical lawsuit.
- Appropriate procedures when encountering mysterious artifacts.
- Whether "it looked funny" constitutes a valid risk assessment.
Employees must also pass a practical examination. Sample questions include:
1. You discover a glowing amulet emitting dark energy from beneath a graveyard. What should you do?
A. Notify the proper authorities.
B. Secure the area.
C. Leave immediately.
D. Pick it up because it might have good loot.
2. A suspicious voice whispers, "Take me with you." What is the correct response?
A. Report the artifact.
B. Leave the area.
C. Seek assistance.
D. Absolutely, every adventure you miss is an experience stolen.
Officials report that early test groups achieved an average score of 23%, largely due to participants selecting option D "for the bit."
The Department of Defense has also released a list of recommended safety practices for the Halloween season:
- Do not consume unlabeled potions.
- Do not sign contracts offered by skeletons.
- Do not challenge demons to games of chance.
- Do not enter glowing portals during work hours without supervisor approval.
- Do not pet coworkers who have recently been transformed into animals.
Officials stressed that the final policy was added specifically because of Secretary Kas.
When reached for comment, the Secretary declined to answer questions and instead knocked a coffee mug off a desk before leaving the room.
The Office of Communications encourages all staff to remain vigilant during the Halloween season and reminds readers that if an ancient artifact promises unlimited power, there is usually paperwork involved.
For legal reaons, please note this article is satire, and no Department of Arcane Safety, nor mandatory courses exist. I know some of you may have been getting excited there, but put down your wands. Nobody is attending Hogwarts today.
